An Internal Perspective

An Internal Perspective

PC Ed Flores Photography

Being neurodivergent in this fast-paced world is not easy. Everyone thinks they know what it’s like because of articles they’ve read or studies they’ve performed, but most of these articles and studies are looking in from the outside. No one knows what a "disorder" is truly like unless they have it. A brain scan can show you the area of the brain afflicted, but it cannot tell you how it feels any more than a photograph can capture the sounds, smells, and sensations as well as the images. You have to have experienced in reality what the photograph is reflecting in order to bring life to the image. The image is only part of the picture, and a small one at that.

I cannot tell you how many times I've had someone tell me that because I “seem normal” I just cannot have Asperger's Syndrome. That it is lifelong and doesn't go away... Again, selfproclaimed experts looking in from the outside thinking they know more than they do and setting artificial limits because they are lacking experience with the reality of the disorder. Because their brains function in a certain way, they set the same limits on others’ brains.

Cabbage Patch Baby with Momma

The human brain is an incredible tool. It allows us to achieve and do so much. Look at flight or fight. People lift entire vehicles to save someone they care about! The brain reacts and develops coping mechanisms for every situation. Sometimes these reactions are negative, such as the development of Post Tramatic Stress Disorder. The brain is fluid and dynamic. It is also unique to each individual.

One of the greatest mistakes those on the outside make when looking at Aspies is assuming that we are all the same. We are not. They say we cannot read social signals. We can. At least some of us can. I suspect maybe all of us can, we just have different ways of reacting to the signals. You see, the problem is not the recognizing of the social cues. The problem is the translating of them. It just is overwhelming because of all the possible meanings that go with each cue. And many of you neurotypicals send conflicting signals, or hide behind “subtlety” to avoid directness. Correctly interpreting those cues is like taking a multiple choice test in which all of the answers are possibly correct given the right set of circumstances. Which answer is the correct one in this particular circumstance? I used to become overwhelmed by the overthink. My solution when I was younger was to panic, which then led to the typical Aspie meltdown because it was the wrong answer and always received negative feedback. As I got older I learned to ignore the signals completely in order to avoid the panic. This also was the wrong answer and also led to the typical Aspie meltdown because of the negative feedback. Fortunately, the brain is a wonderful thing. It can learn. That’s what it does. So over the years and with the help of my supportive and ingenious family who always believed I was not as limited as “the experts” said I was, I've developed a method to interpret the signals more easily. It's almost like I have a fastpaced flow chart in my head every time I have a conversation. If this, then that. When I was a kid and just beginning this brain-training process, I would actually draw the flow charts on paper to practice. Over the years, through trial and error, I've improved the skill. I’ve expanded my data base of “correct answers.”

This process takes effort and energy. Unfortunately, sometimes when I'm tired or stressed, I lose my ability to focus on the situation. I become overwhelmed and I panic because so have lost control of the flowchart. I begin to ramble. I lose my train of thought. I say things that can be misinterpreted and are coupled with nonverbal signals that just don't match. I avoid eye contact. In this situation, it is not meant as disrespect. Eye contact is painful. I cannot explain why. Sometimes it is bearable, other times it is not. I don’t why, but it is a common occurrence among the Neurodivergent. Just as I struggle to interpret neurotypical signals, neurtypicals struggle to interpret my signals. My lack of eye contact is not rudeness. I genuinely care about what you have to say and want to know you. It simply indicates that my coping mechanisms has just suffered a break-down and is in need of repair. Or rest. I am not perfect – I am human. But for me the typical social interaction of making converstaion is a laborious process... It is exhausting. I dread going out to see people in fear that I'll talk too much or that I'll say something that can be misinterpreted or that somehow I won't be able to keep my stupid Aspie brain in check and then people will decide I'm not worth their time.

PC Sariah Harvey Photography

Yet at the same time I yearn for conversation, friendship, people. I want to meet people, have friend groups, and do all the normal things. I am very social. I am not a “loner” like so many think all Aspies are. I do not fit the cookie cutter diagnosis given to me by those experts on the outside looking in. I do not fit with the population – any population. It seems my reward for training my brain to minimize the negatives of my “disorder” is to have alienated myself from everyone. How is that right?

It isn’t. Just give me a chance. Give all individuals with autism spectrum disorders a chance. Do not make assumptions, and do not limit us with those assumptions. We are more "normal" than you think. We are so much more than you think despite what you'll read online. You cannot trust everything you read online anyway.

Share the love and try interacting with curiosity and directness and a desire to connect with and learn about those who are different from you. Just maybe avoid the hugging. At least until I’m ready for it. Trust me, I’ll let you know when I’m ready. I am an Aspie after all!